Thursday, 1 July - link

return of bazooms

I'm officially predicting the return of bazooms - pointy tits. Enough of this round, bubble shaped sweater melons. I see missiles in shirts in the near future - torpedo tits. Breasts like I saw in films from the 1950s - sleek and shaped like they could poke your eyes out. Perhaps a response to times of war - perhaps just a new shape. Innovation in tits.

Or maybe a throwback - recycling style in bodyshape. Unless there's some kind of a logic to rounded shaped breasts? Were the brassieres that shaped those torpedos uncomfortable? I imagine they were - but brassiere technology has improved - there should be something we can do to fix that.

So many brassieres today are oriented towards making rounded shapes. I wonder what other breast shape options are out there for brassiere buying woman?

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Friday, 4 June - link

Watching Sex

Robert Johnson sings some soul-chilling blues music. Fantastic stuff. I've had his albums for years, savoring the echoes of thick sin and payback from another time. Recently, reading about his life, I read this entertaining exchange. The article concerns the son of Robert Johnson, using the courts to claim his portion of his father's music royalties.

In the end, the crucial testimony came from Virgie Mae's closest friend, Eula Mae Williams, an 80-year-old midwife with pure white hair, who recalled an evening walk she took with her fiance and Virgie Mae and Robert Johnson.

To the shock of the assembled lawyers, who had to pause during questioning because they were laughing so hard, she described how both couples made love standing up in the pine forest, watching each other the whole time.

She was questioned by Victor McTeer, an attorney from Greenville who was representing Carrie Thompson's relatives as they contested Claud's claim to the estate.

Q: Well, let me, let me share something with you, because I'm really curious about this. Maybe I have a more limited experience. But you're saying to me that you were watching them make love?

A: M-hm.

Q: While you were making love?

A: M-hm.

Q: You don't think that's at all odd?

A: Say what?

Q: Have you ever done that before or since?

A: Yes.

Q: Watch other people make love?

A: Yes, I have done it before. Yes, I've done it after I married. Yes.

Q: You watched other people make love?

A: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Q: Other than other than Mr. Johnson and Virgie Cain [her married name].

A: Right.

Q: Really?

A: You haven't?

Q: No. Really haven't.

A: I'm sorry for you.

From Son of bluesman Robert Johnson gets his due, by Ellen Barry, from the Los Angeles Times, June 2 2004.

I haven't watched other folks having sex - sounds like I've been missing out! The participatory watching of two couples going at it simultaineously must be fun - I've done it like that in the dark only. Hmmm.

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Saturday, 29 May - link

Searching for Elena from Khabarovsk

When I was travelling in Japan I would occasionally run into foreign women who were working there in the "entertainment" industry. These women hailed from Russia in particular, as well as Southeast Asia and China. Japan is the closest center of wealth in that region; it attracts people who are willing to use their bodies to earn money for their families or their future.

I wrote about two women I met following that path; I met them in the capital of Iwate-ken, sort of like meeting women in Montpelier, Vermont - the small capital of a rural area. Marina and Elena, Russian Exotic Dancers.

elena, marinaToday I received email from a gent in Florida:

In the article below, you described a girl from Khabarovsk who is dancing in Japan. I would like to contact her. I think she is beautiful. I am also searching for a Russian or Ukrainian woman to marry. I've included the article below to refresh your memory. Please relay to me any contact information for her if you have any.
I absolutely remember this woman (once I'd looked back at my page); she was lovely. A firm disposition and a beautiful face. Sounded like she had a complicated life. I definitely don't have her contact information.

The internet allows people to reach out and propose the most unusual partnerships! To imagine her going from Khabarovsk to Iwate-ken, to Orlando - whew.

(I was lazy, I didn't want to type out the URL to my page, to find the link for this post. I typed "Khabarovsk Elena" into Google, and I got many results for Russian brides. None of them were the gal I met, or my page!).

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Tuesday, 25 May - link

A Few Weeks Buildup

I think it's been weeks since I had an orgasm. It's been long enough that I can't remember. I think I was with someone else, a friend, and we were touching each other - it was a conscentual, even a mutual orgasmic evening. After that? Maybe once alone, maybe.

I moved out of my house. So my personal, private, intimate space has been lost. I think about re-establishing that on the road sometimes. But I'm mostly staying with friends, and it's hard for me to masturbate in someone else's house. Don't hold me to that - I may have done it once in a while. But I'm having a hard time just now. Maybe because my friends have kids; it's just doesn't feel appropriate for a houseguest pushing thirty to be jerking off in a family-filled house. Maybe that's part of the reason people stay in hotels.

Well I've got months to go, maybe, probably, until I land permanently again. So I've been wondering what kind of long term personal erotic strategy I might devise. I mean, I'm getting horny. I've had some cuddling recently, but no genital gratification. I've begun to wonder if this isn't a fabulous chance to practice abstinence, the feeling of sexual conversation. Wee-hoo! Saving all my spunk!

But what's the point of that? I'm 29 years old still, probably with plenty of spunk to spare. So why keep it restrained?

Well, after a few weeks, pulling up some porn and tugging on myself seems like a cop-out. When I wait a long time between ejaculations, I seem to have more fluid that emerges. So shouldn't I share the bounty of a few weeks buildup with a friend? Hah!

Either way I'm getting a bit wound up. I can feel it - like my sexuality gets closer to my skin the longer I go without sensual stimulation. Every once in a while I get a sexy thought and my body floods with feeling. Maybe that's the way I always feel; I'm just imagining more sensitivity as I prolong my gratification. I guess I feel out of touch with myself. And with other people! Huh.

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Friday, 12 March - link

Why I'm Studying Sacred Sexuality

My interest in Sacred Sexuality starts with uninformed intuition - a sense that there is something deeply spiritual to erotic acts. When humans join in intimate touch or sexual congress, there is a sweeping feeling there, something larger than either of the participants, and larger than the sum of their energies. It is a primal force. It is, perhaps, simply hunger, amplified hunger.

When I'm losing my control in pursuit of sensual pleasure I understand why many folks work to suppress and sublimate the sexual forces in pursuit of the divine. But I had a moment of clarity that illuminated the potential for purposeful passionate interaction: I met a young woman on the internet. We didn't know each other well. We sat together in a café, and then at my house, not speaking fluidly. I was wondering what our communication might be; my mind was wandering. Then we leaned in for a kiss. And then we kissed for an entire weekend. We spent hours rolling and gasping and licking and kissing. And when we could stand it, we stared into each other's eyes, building hard tension before we gasped and looked away. I had been powerfully attracted to people before, and I'd shared deep intimate physical moments, but here it was clear to me: there are people with whom you can create an ecstatic blissful experience. It wasn't meant as a sign that she and I were destined for long-term partnership; our non-physical communications were too stilted for that. But there was something in that moment of staring and touch that was so fantastically reorienting - I felt air and blood rush into parts of my chest that are otherwise dark during my days. It was serendipitous, and inspiring. It felt like sexual healing, especially in memory. One of my defining spiritual experiences.

I wouldn't say this feeling is for everyone. I've had fantastic encounters of all sorts that have barely skirted this feeling, some fantastic encounters that have even studiously avoided it. But I've reached a point in my life where I realize my personal passion priority is to study this feeling, to see what might be done to claim and cultivate that ecstatic truth I found in another body.

After a recent breakup, I found myself craving touch. I went from spending over 150 hours a week near another body, to spending all of my time alone in my skin. I experimented with massage parlors. Browsing advertisements on the internet, I found that I was attracted to the "hippy" "new agey" advertisements - Northern Californian women decked out in saris, talking about goddess energy. I went to see one of these women, she massaged my naked body vigorously with a friend. I couldn't tell what they were wearing - I didn't have my glasses on, and my deep breathing and the sensation of touch lidded my eyes. I felt gooey; I couldn't help curling up. One exclaimed afterwards, "wow! You really soaked up all of our touch." And it was true - I felt like I'd been feeding, consuming something, I'd been filled by these two women. I thanked them, and I asked if there was a church they attended where people practiced this kind of work.

The question caught them off guard, but it made perfect sense to me - gathering with other humans on a regular basis for the purposes of healing and affirming life. Singing dancing, celebrating, communing, reaching for greater powers or inspiring energies. That's what church is. That's what I felt with these women. And I felt like maybe I could provide something to my partners as well. I didn't want to be a client in the context of erotic massage services; I wanted to charge up sensual energy with people outside of commerce.

So in some ways, a search for Sacred Sexuality is a search for more sex. But I'm not so interested in "fucking" or intercourse - I want to be naked and touch people. I want to stare deep into someone's eyes, sharing breathing, exploring that space where energy and desire and divinity meet. All those forces are intangible, and talking about them sometimes makes me sound like a Northern California puff pastry. But I believe in those feelings I have that compel me to seek out play partners. I've had healthy and unhealthy experiences as I look for people to have sex with. Sacred Sexuality seems like a good term to frame a context for more healthy exploration.

What would that look like? Well I can start by saying what it wouldn't look like. It wouldn't look like a singles bar. The paradigm for sexual experimentation there seems to be predicated somewhat on forgetting - being inebriated, unknown. Risk taking, disaffection. Sacred Sexuality, as I imagine it, would involve participants agreed to a fundamental expression of intent: that the sexual congress was grounded in growth, learning, healing; in mutual uplift. Removing the goal of "getting off" or unauthorized expressions of power.

That's an ideal vision. Power and getting off are an intimate part of sexuality. Sexuality is frankly a mess. It incorporates all of our histories and fears and ambitions. It's a ripe area for abuse, addiction and excitation. That's why I would love to explore sex with more gentle deliberation.

It means finding practice partners with patience. I'm starting by reading. Reading David Guy's book. Essays by Francesca Gentille, a Bay Area-based personal life coach who posts frequently to Sacred Sexuality Yahoo groups, and Bernadette Vallely, a British environmental activist who writes about Sacred Sexuality on her web site. Their words and their aesthetics are largely precious - honoring the sacred self, and so forth. They use phrases and vocabulary that my friends would scoff at. As one polyamorous vegetarian midwife friend of mine Lulu put it, "why do all these people sound like fuckin' hippies?"

The real problem, she went on to explain, is that hippies are people who talk grandly without action. I'm inclined to believe these folks, and their talk about being and wholeness, energy and passion. It's not hard to act that out - can you act with compassion? Can you control and express yourself in useful and creative ways? Most of this Sacred Sexuality stuff I've found proselytized online feeds back into relationships and behavior. There's only so much sex modern citizens can manage - the study of Sacred Sexuality seems fortunately larger than penis vagina. A good place to route your energy! Taking horniness and developing it. Sensual arts discipline, like martial arts discipline.

I like having something else to do with my mind when I'm feeling sexy or curious - instead of booting up Fleshbot or TheHun, I have sex theory and sex ritual and sex visions to study. As I read these folks, I'm finding out about teachers, many of whom are local to the Bay Area (funny, that). And where there are teachers, there should be other students. We shall see.

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Monday, 2 February - link

One Night

The cab driver had an African accent. Cruising up 3rd Avenue, he asked, "so what do you write about?"

I write about mobile phones, video games, sex,

"Sex? Okay, I have a question. This bitch, she was giving me such a hard blowjob. Like she was eating my dick! All the way down to the bottom. So can I get AIDS from that?"

I'm alone in New York tonight, after he dropped me off.

Things to do while you are single -

- work to get laid, to find companionship, to fill your wide bed.

- enjoy time with yourself. Reflect.

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Monday, 5 January - link

Passive Seduction

I still haven't paid for Adult Friend Finder. But having a ready profile with pictures up there is generating plenty of potential.

Today I received two AFF messages. A couple near Sacramento in their late 30s asked if I was interested in couples play. They sent an erotic picture of the woman of the pair leaning over, smiling friendly. But no picture of the man!

That's an apt metaphor for my conception of the experience. I've been with more than one lady at once, but I haven't been with another man in a sexual experience since college. Then I was positively overwhelmed by the raging unstoppable pushing force I felt from this cock next to me, thrusting into my hand. The cheap cocaine and schnapps we'd consumed probably didn't relax me either.

Perhaps there's a place for fulfilling lovemaking between me and men. I don't imagine myself with men in any long-term way. But I would be silly to think a man couldn't give me pleasure. It's all in the mind, right? So all I have to do is tamp down my heterosexual filter and open myself to a wider range of sexual experiences.

It looks like this couple might be offering me this kind of opportunity. I told them I was inexperienced joining male-female couple play. I asked if they would take on a pupil. They wrote back to set up an initial meeting. Whew!

If that doesn't work out, there's always the 46-year old man who wrote me later on in the day - "Need a Blow? I'll suck everything between your legs...everything. No strings, nobody's business. Just a great, uncomplicated blow." That included a photo of him standing naked, privates discreetly shielded, on a beach somewhere.

Double whew - last time I was offered straightforward oral sex from a man was after getting high with Thomas in downtown San Francisco. I felt strange about it then. Not sure why. I still feel a bit strange about accepting (on it's face "a free no strings blowjob" would seem to be a no brainer). It's nice to know that I still have more to learn about my limits.

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Saturday, 27 December - link

Smiling Satisfaction

Even my step-father said it: don't worry about the girls. Keep working, getting yourself sorted out. You're an attractive lad, you have no trouble meeting people. Someone good will come along.

That doesn't solve my hunger for physical touch and sensual play. But I think I can be more satisfied if remember what I've learned so many times - sex is not a quest, not a conquest. Sex is all around me. Sex is a smile from a stranger. Anyone can be seduced. A smile is the best way to start - a smile says, "I'm happy. Let's be happy together." And if nothing more comes of it? Well smiling is a pretty good way to spend time with other human beings.

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Saturday, 27 December - link

What Polyamory Means to Me

I went out to dinner with some friends in San Francisco a few weeks back. I was expressing some of my unrequieted lusts to them.
One female friend piped up quickly, "Oh! I know a woman you can play around with."
I was surprised, "You do?"
"Yes, she's smart and high energy, I think you'll get along great."
I was happily stunned, "Wow, thank you! That sounds perfect."
"No problem, I'll put you two in touch. I don't think her husband will mind at all."
How curious!

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Friday, 26 December - link

Single Couple

Since I left my last long-term romantic partnership, I've been eager for physical connection. But most of my friends are people in couples. There's a certain comfort to hanging out with mostly functioning romantic partners. I can feel their love and it reminds me of what it feels like to have a steady human companion.

But that doesn't do much for my physical desires. And the regular glimpses of human companionship remind me that I'm alone. That's not always the worst thing. But I am alone, hanging out with couples, and tonight it hit me - maybe I should make more of an effort to hang out with single women?

While imagining the seduction of wives and girlfriends I know can fuel my fantasy life, I don't like to imagine the social fallout, even if they were all poly. I don't think I want to have sex as much as I want intimacy.

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Sunday, 21 December - link

Massage?

At some point recently I realized that my consciousness had shifted - I felt okay about seeking out and paying for sex, sexual touch as a service. I wrote about my first experience with sexual massage in Shinbashi.

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