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Saturday, 24 July - link

a home for bloody nipples

Today, the summer sun outside inspires me to think of my work on the computer as play. Truth be told, I skipped ComicCon today (perhaps stupidly), to stay inside and catch up. Processing my finances, researching articles for TheFeature.com. I updated the backlog of mobile notes and mobile poems.

This summer I've been using videos at Lynda.com to teach myself Flash, in preparation for my next semester at school. Setting up my new computer, learning about the Macintosh. And making iMovies - working to learn the basics of multimedia so I can move faster through my pending education.

Last night I went out to a party, a nightclub, here in Los Angeles. New to town, new to the scene, I went around introducing myself to people and making chit-chat. People were not very friendly to me! It was kind of disheartening. I didn't lie or drink enough, I suspect. Shades of poeticizing with punky, perhaps. I took notes -

Perpetual social curiosity, I explained to a friend in the small hours as we headed to a strip club - that's what drives me into these situations where I might spend much of the time feeling unwelcome or disconnected. I had a sort of emotional hangover this morning - light, brusque interactions with too-cool people left me feeling lost. The emotional hangover is part of unrestrained curiousity, I guess, at least that's how I explained it to Cody at breakfast this morning.

Also physical side effects - curious and pushing myself to try things, I went surfing with my roommate Scott a few days back. He's been my roommate for weeks now, he goes surfing almost every day, and it took me this long to get out there with him. Baka! What a great time I had - floating on the water, taking my time instead of being tossed around. It was my first time wrestling a surfboard in five years, and I was under-dressed in a t-shirt - I ended up chafing my nipples so bad! They're scabbed over bloody now. Ouch.

But my real work has been finding a home. Establishing a home!

And my experimentation all mostly seems like desperation because I don't have a home -

I don't know how I could have let myself feel this deeply about it, but I've been largely obsessed - Singletasking! home-making for the last few weeks. I guess it's pretty natural - I work to enjoy the moment, the place I am at any given time. But I've allowed myself to become pretty fixated on the place I'm going to be living.

That fixation seems to have manifested - I'm taking possession of a new place to live on Monday. Wednesday and Thursday, I'll be kicking out the termites. Friday, I might start sleeping there. Holy Hossanah!

That's been a long time coming. A few months I guess - since I packed up my belongings, and began working here and there, living out of my car or short-term sublets. I've lived for months on the road, in Japan, Honduras, these United States. But even then I think I remember feeling anxious - the adventure of the road hits the craving for a settled place to work and think and have relationships.

Not having a settled place changes my relationship to myself and others! Do you want to hear this? I think about this stuff constantly, these days, when I'm not counting how many electrical outlets I want to stick in the living room. Or imagining how I can save money on a new long-draw toilet. I think about how I'll invite my friends over, how I will wake up in the morning, walk through the kitchen, stopping for yogurt and blueberries and granola, which I'll have in stock because it will be my kitchen and I'll stock it, and then I'll go to my desk and I'll turn on three computers and check my email and my overnight video compression and my white board to-do list and look out at the sunshine and make a plan to have some friends come by before walking outside to maybe stretch my limbs

you fool! rented a beautiful home with a big yard for the summer and all you do is go to Sears and measure washing machines and sit on your computer taking notes on telephone conversations with plumbers. shouldn't I be outside? yes! I'm outside, in my mind. So looking forward to developing my interior.

Posted on 24 July 2004 : 15:48 (TrackBack)
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Justin's Links, by Justin Hall.