pardon me I'm feeling tender today. first day of school and I can't remember what I'm doing here - another rehash of the identity conflict exacerbated by days of definite immersion in my own drama. so now i still feel lost and like crying but i'm in familiar company working towards some shared goals. and a willful me feels more like writing personal reflections to taking notes taking notes notes i have so many piles of notes and are they inscribed on my mind properly?

i would so much rather be studying intimacy. everyone does things they don't like, i tell myself, and this is the nicest not-like-to-do i can picture for myself just now. maybe it's boredom which stems from distraction. again, i can't label what's distracted me, nor can i label what i would rather be doing precisely, except for sitting at my desk crying and writing.

I guess I would say I'm heartsick.