conversion
7 November, 1994
While riding the BART back from Method lead singer tryouts and a reunion with the Natural Light Beer, Bong Hits and Sega crowd, I had a spiritual conversion.I have learned recently that people can make things happen simply by belief. From my own experience at Wired, to certain aspects of my relationship with Chandra, and that Cary Grant "Every Girl Should Have a Husband" movie - whose entire point was to prove that this woman could snag this guy simply by wanting and believing.
It follows then that reality follows belief - that deciding upon something and desiring? it can make it happen - simply because in order to sustain belief, you make reality your desires.
So then belief is just a shroud for desire? We think of what we want, what would make us whole or happier, and if we focus on that, while maintaining the distance of belief, the faith that receptive inactivity will grant wishes.
Am I waxing stoned?
It follows from the theory God will satisfy your every need, if you just believe in him. And its bizarre! Most people who fall in love with him, or come to blieve in him, hold daily faith in him, don't seem to be proven wrong.
Does somehow their faith tailor their disires so that they know not to wish beyond their own powers of belief and fulfillment?
If this theory of belief and activism is true, then to believe in heaven is all that it takes - so the argument of Christianity wins after all - on a whim! Why not believe in heaven? Why insist on correctness when you could potentially make your life after death into anything you want?
So Nietzsche says this is the ultimate lie. Is it a large human indulgence? I guess it would seem so - happy magic fantasy land heaven forever, after this shit is over.
It is just too painful to return from the potential understanding of the Heaven hope. I thought I believed for a moment, and the thought of returning to faithlessness was daunting.
But from a fun point of view! Why not create your own vision, and embellish it and then decide to go there when you die? Why not? Why the hell not? Because believing in delusion is ultimately disappointing? Not if you understand the probabilities behind the delusion, and the nature of faith, and perhaps then just don't believe it is delusion, but rather a calculated risk - believing that Heaven is attainable for the people willing to risk a life of belief and the quest of belief in the face of doubt, guilt, unhappiness, strife, suffering, then your heaven will be even better. Why not have faith? What is life without it? Does belief transcending the mundance automatically qualify as beyond the pale of reason? Why should I ever believe that I would work for Wired - that I would be an Editorial Assistant at the publication of my dreams?
And perhaps that is the most important issue of the day - should I follow my dreams or not? And if this is indeed my dream - then what else is there in the world that I could persue? If I am not true to what I believe for myself than I have lost faith in a fundamental personal truth.
But perhaps then the answer is that I have simply achived and transcended this desire, and that while I recognize the earthbound validity and excitement of this project, I realize that my soul is indeed ready to move on, and perhaps in, to study this less immediate and pause to consider truth and beauty.
I still have yet to join a band!
Here's a quote from this astrology book (secrets from a stargazers notebook by Debbi HemptonSmith - the hindus say that everything in life either creates, pervades, or destroys. These are god's three ways of amusing himself.
Pluto - where you will endure hell to reach heaven
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