july 16, 1996
I talked to joey anuff today
he's a lovable misanthrope
because he makes me laugh
but he leaves me uneasy

reminds me of some people

anyways, that's a link, a memory link that one
you'll find most of the links here go to within my site
cuz I'm trying to fold in understanding into my brain,
I mean I could link you to any site about eating disorders, right? but here's mine.

so I'm feeling a little listless. some folks read these pages fairly often and can recognize that a certain rhythm was slowed is now broken
I'm kind of picking up sticks and slapping them around a little bit trying to make see what happens

someone nice said to me the other day
said
she said you should write a book! share publish yo'self with as many people as possible!

and I say, yeah,
I should have done that

then joey, joey sez you should write a column. a personal web publishing column
like for a newspaper

now I'm kind of an optomist, I don't usually dwell on my haven't dones,
but here today I feel a little lurch

I recently decided that I didn't actually want to die young

(pardon me that - I'm 21)
I want to long live long, maybe have kids, definitely yell at them or confuse them as a bent wizened old man
sigh in amazement as they actually find a way to do stuff I would not have thought of
and try to resist living in memory

unless by that time I'm a junkie

in which case I won't be able to help it.

an old junkie. ug.

listlessness is a point of creativity some, right, standing on that that sharp point
where you're interpreting everything too much or too little just feeling a little to the left of life
everyone keeps about their rhythm, the rheingold's just arrived back from up north, family funeral
the house is filled with them
and I am again a couch surfer

I'm starting to lose my flow, ramble some
I think I have a lot to say, I usually do
but now I suffer from a lack of focus
having lost the drive to daily write diary up here I've dwindled to abstraction
wanting to begin a big project some fiction some wild universe to let my mind stretch out

but I'm employed

and I haven't been eating right

so finally I come some more to understand the workaday life
I'm ready to retire.

bitchin' bandwidth: c y b o r g a n i c