27 august, 1997

august 27

(ann landers) eppie called for a followup

that's thorough, thank you
it's over,

she said for me
it's over

many times
it's over - are you there?
yeah, i'm letting it soak in.
she still has a feeling she may come back
but it's over - you can't be on hold.
where do you get your advice?
my gut - 42 years worth of situations.

my mourning has slowed to an appreciable pace
what i'm doing now is redifferentiating identity -
everything beautiful to me in my life is for my enjoyment
and no longer for immediate extension to an other
similarly, i find my perspective is again more mine
fewer daily arrivals from someone else's thought train
and then i meditate on that stuff they say like loving and freeing

using my intelligence to battle my stomach
if it's the best thing and i really like her then
there shouldn't be a problem letting go

increasing fluidity
and i decide i'm being selfish and imperfect
and then i can proceed to punish myself by refusing to pine
it's helpful like that.

i'm cleaning my room - a big place
i find a box i sent to myself in 1994
from wired
there's chandra, haia relics inside
my media culture - boing boing, mondo 2k back issues
my wired credentials laminated
notes from friends
many cds sent to wired for review and never played that i requisitioned
the best of great white, greatest hits of ray stevens Volume 2, Rappin' 4-tay, mighty mighty bosstones, vanilla ice - Mind Blowing, buttsteak, and taylor dayne
strange to excavate a time
and discover that everyone was nice to me
like chandra -
gave me little books to write in
many letters, hand-watercolored cards
charlie mingus's autobio, inscribed 9/94
"to keep my beloved company in bed (aside from the computers) in my absence."
i remembered that i loved her

and i had good reason

i prepare to leave

tomorrow: swarthmore
i recieve
e-mail,
this line ends it:
"but i wanted to let you know that yes, bulemics do read your pages.. and they do have an impact."
thank you.
somebody, god, ann landers, bulemics, ex-girlfriends, perry ferrell,

mama.

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