today: waver not
christiana teaches me about greeks
I share that george is greek, meditteranean
like her, she's italian,
you know if george was american, and he did those things, I would say he was an asshole. but he's greek, it's who he is. they're like that. in your face pushy. it's how they show love.
so when you present your life and plan to them, it's best to hold your own and push back right as opposed to wavering
and perhaps dress and make your self up to suit him
they invented drama!
and we discuss i ching readings and college decisions pending
realize conjunctively that I am settling down roots here
though identifying amy as a root is be lie.
(after I buy her a haight gift or three
so I get back to the office, I call berkeley
maybe I'll take classes
back and forth
crank on eminds content for hours
fielding calls and emails
like I'm in an iron lung with ten different people adjusting my breathing rate
eminds is hosting tnd this week
glorious - food and beverage and folks like it used to be
touching on ramona
except quite a few of those poeple I don't know
I'm djing I love to
without much music or headphones to test and que songs
people give you flack no matter what - play old blues, some guy asks for pink floyd. put on some X and people preferred the old blues. what about dance music?
get luded on sugar and alcoholo and turn up the volume
playing music to the backs of departing customers
and to an empty room
it gets pretty low
and then you stop and people tell you how great it was
it's easy to pine.
especially when vjim makes margaritas
eminds spread the community spirit inviting folks to bring instruments
people play quietly jamming together in intimate circle side of big empty room
all other audible media shut down in favour of that
no amplifiers - people ask, where's the music? justin, play some music.
people are leaving because there's no music and the mood is going down justin.
so I turn to jill, because she is a fairminded and resolute soul
and she sez she likes the accoustic, at least in spirit
and that's how I felt, good to have back up.
I don't weather other people's wishes well.
twenty minutes and she approaches to say that the accoustics are wearing thin perhaps it's time for some recorded noise
and I feel good cuz she's given me validation to proceed as I'd forseen; the instrumentalists were quietly privately jamming and they didn't play loud enough or it wasn't the right setting for them and it was time for a different vibe and so was it right to kick them off airwaves
it's a good thing I'm so decisive.
or extended to work, I'm neither here nor there
I'm not disciplined
this we decided between art tatum and off and gone
she's trying to build a production schedule with people doing jobs and maximizing resources
and having a half-committed self-interested "superstar" does not the gears grease so well as a workhorse
and so then I ask her to take off that exec producer hat,
because I need to see as a friend,
if I don't go to college
because if I'm there I really want to be here, or at least doing other things
if I'm here, and I have a job, electric minds?
I can do the work, I do do the work
though abbe objects to my late shift hours
I do other intangible things for the company as well perhaps with my presence
though these are definitely debatable and prone to ego and mood (of percievers)
I mean a 21 year old who speaks well to the media and cuts decent fast html
but cares most of most of all about his web site and perhaps a tv gig and definitely his teaching and speaking
the thought crosses my mind, maybe I'm a philosopher
eminently unemployable bound for nearhomelessness
maybe this is the signs of spoils that after so much attention I am not prepared to due diligence
(I wonder how I can best fit, produce? I work hardest on my web site, period.)
I mean abbe has her side projects that she has put on hold
moreover studied over the years
if I am serious about the hypertext textbook project, I have to bone up on the literature
but to expect to be a special projects guy and have eminds fund the research or development
it would be best if that was a howard supervised project, as a mentor taking the time to work it out
but he's too busy or our recent relationship hasn't quite worked out
(today howard wrote a blurb about my article for the front page of the site without taking the time to read it.)
so I'm supposed to have this meeting with abbe and howard on tuesday. we're going to decide my future at electric minds
abbe sez, what, why do you work for us, a desk and bandwidth?
because the people at electric minds are teachers. vagabond teaches me about the web and even about idealism and committment to community. abbe teaches me about strength and character. mark teaches me about theatre and personality management. from todd I learn graphics tricks and partnership rhythm. jill teaches me to be patient. jen teaches me to be civil.
and so do I also think that, for all the talking I do to reporters along these lines, I do truly believe that eminds is shaping the web circa 1997, or 1998. I think it is a critical path important groundbreaking place to be. and it will continue to be so for a number of months at least - it's maturing phase.
(tangent abbe and I agree that eminds will level off (I predict 13000 daily readers) and achieve a dedicated cult status. people who check in regularly, stand by it, are committed to it. not a mass market deal tho - abbe mentions the dead)
I could see abbe open up and gain some respect for me after the preceeding eloqution - that I wasn't just a self-serving jackoff but I did have some vision for what the company could be and was and is and where we're going with it
and she said that maybe there's a place for me to just continue to do the layout I have been doing as well as contributing and conferencing, etc
but she still needs dedicated people to do tasks
the way she's arrayed it is two full time html cutters. my half or 3/4 time committment don't cut it there.
as a friend she consults on the option to be self aware self employed independent
I do a quick run down
that if I wrote freelance and organized my advertising, I could earn over my current salary at eminds ($1500) a month to support me
which if I continue to live as I have is doable
that independence is intense to think of and sobering to imagine it would be risky and empowering
I don't feel as though I have the grounding or know how to manage myself in a vacuum like that. the lessons I learn from this business and these people are valuable enough that I am perhaps working towards that life
because when I think back on failed glorious opportunities, there's just a not-fit between me and institutional expectations
now I can just write that off as the system, man
but there's quite clearly a discipline problem
(as abbe said, a thousand things going at once, a lot of energy, no focus)
I am either going to find a fit to learn focus from folks
or I am going to spin off into my own world and struggle to master it myself
there are times of pointed conflict and movement, and between them is a lazy haze of bearable indecision, and I can probably coast pretty far in this eminds situation on the latter, putting in enough of the right juice at the right time to keep the ol' car runnin'
perhaps I should be a bit more bold
three messages when I get back
barbara notices I'm a guardian decreed web superstar
two from amy "startling results of extended phone conversation with familiar other
and declared insanity and for me enthusiasm
one message sez we need to reformat our weekend plans after long talk with boyfriend
the next sez she thot she would see me tonight and got real excited
the whole thing in a nutshell.
when amy first met me she said you involve everyone in your process of therapy. tonight abbe talked with me about some heavy stuff. it put my chin below my tits. I wrote long and hard about it and I thank you for reading it. somehow writing it helps, and somehow publishing it helps. vox clamantis in desierto?
depression is deep. I've been there, in my little room with a swiss army knife and out on the street in front of cyborganic
when the drama gets so thick that all life is tainted and pallored and even good intentions seem some wicked plot or futile ploy
I don't know what I'm supposed to do for the world.
this is what I did tonight.