RE: the year in (p)review, '03 & '04 2003 was a motherfucker year of change. This (p)review is too long: I started off 2003 living in semi-rural Japan, an hour outside of Tokyo. My lover, musician, muse, work partner in life was Jane. It was cold, we were poor. We had a few friends, and so much curiousity for the country and its media. Jane's mom lived with us in a tiny chilled apartment. I had my first piece published in the New York Times, an editorial about the use of video games to teach citizenship skills (instead of military-industrial complex values). It was too cold, and we missed our California life. We returned in January, and started living in a narrow bed in her sister's house in Berkeley. We took a trip to Switzerland. After I gave a speech about video games, we went skiing and drinking with Nokia executives. I played a Scandinavian drinking game that involved hammering nails into tree stumps. February, we starred in a SAME fashion show together in Las Vegas, each wearing "Made in Vagina" banners across our chests. Jane and I became non-resident fellows advising a class on "Law and Virtual Worlds" at Stanford. After nine years of editing my web site HTML by hand, I switched to weblogging software (Movable Type). I enjoyed the experience. I reduced my credit card debt to zero. Jane and I moved into a house I had lived in years before, but had subleased to move to Japan. I found a mountain of old mail. Jane found too many photos of my ex-girlfriend laying around. In March I rented a U-Haul truck from a man who advised me on closing the rolling truck door: he used the phrase "snatch it baby, like you live" - it stuck with me. Jane and I visited Game Developers Con and South By Southwest, feeling slightly cross continental and full of friendship and inquiry. Jane cut me a good mullet. I installed three televisions in the living room - two for video games, the middle one for movies. I bought a new computer. April, my Mother used the verb "googled." Jane's band Dealership played a concert at the Oakland Museum - that was fun. We visited Nebraska for 48 hours, a pilgrimage to a graveyard filled with grandparents. May - Jane and I continued writing articles about mobile technology and games. We saw The Matrix during E3 with Harvey and many other Austin friends. Drove around Los Angeles laughing like madpeople. Met Souris and Silvio, among the most loyal and fun new friends I've ever had. In June, we gathered with a few dozen folks in an aging gymnasium in misty Marin county, each standing with a flashlight in total darkness. Filmmaker friend Ryan Junell had us all move in constellation patterns and hyperspace experiences of stars rushing about, as he videotaped us from a tall ladder. I started practicing Aikido. I learned that it's possible to take someone attacking you and introduce them to the floor, nicely. It would become my first regular physical exercise in years. Jane and I went to a summer solstice ritual - my first pagan ceremony. I took it seriously, and enjoyed it immensely. I went to my fifth college reunion. I continued seeing my mentor, writer Howard Rheingold, in Marin. We moved from painting to stone-carving this year. I began rasping on rocks with metal files and sandpaper. July - Travelled to Tokyo with Jane for a conference on weblogging with mobile phones. Infinite technology recursion. We met a sprightly young woman Trista who joined our band of two for a few days of intense Tokyo travelling. I met a young musician named W. David Marx who was one of the funniest, smartest and most entertaining people I'd run into in years. Lulu came to our home on her cross-continental roadtrip. We gave up bacon for lentils and loved it. We played many boardgames and enjoyed Lulu's voice and observations. We saw Pirates of the Caribbean in the theatre - twice in a week. I wrote my first article about bathroom fixtures. Jane and I continued updating GameGirlAdvance. I attended the Christian Game Developers Conference in Portland Oregon, and wrote about it for a magazine that few people seem to read. I contemplated getting a high colonic. I travelled to Chicago for 18 hours, to sit with my oldest friend after his father died. I travelled to Finland. Spoke on a panel about mobile entertainment. Agreed to ride on a sailboat in the harbor of Helsinki - later as the racing boat was keeling at > 45 degrees and I felt like I would fall in the ocean, I began to wonder if I hadn't lost my some of my appetite for adventure. I went into a (wood) smoke sauna, and enjoyed my balls shriveling in the cool sea. On the way to Finland, I was stuck in Kennedy airport when the electricity went out in New York City. I spent the night sleeping on the floor next to a cute writer who would later join me for a swim and breakfast at my hotel in Helsinki. Jane went on a west coast tour with her band. That tour was cut short with word that her mother had suffered a serious stroke in Berkeley. I came back from Finland and we sat in the hospital for five days. Her mother passed away amidst family and members of her church. We planned a funeral, coordinated visiting relatives from Japan and the estate affairs. It was a difficult time. In September, we travelled to New York City for a whirlwind week of entertainment - a conference, parties and friendship. I discovered that my credit card debt, covering Jane and I, had topped $20,000. I was freaked out about the debt, worried about how to continue living, emotionally unavailable. Jane had lost her mother just weeks earlier. Jane and I began fighting every day. She wanted more compassion from me, I wanted more problem-solving from her. Things grew untenable. I told her to leave the house we shared, to move in with her sister. We had a large party the day after she moved out, it turned out to be the funeral for our relationship. Jane and I completed travel to Tokyo that we'd planned, with good friends Doug and Robin. We shared a hotel room with them, shared a bed together, and shared a few kind and tense words. I attended the Tokyo Game Show, and wrote articles, mostly alone. I began the process of dis-entangling all of my life that I'd tied up with Jane. Early October, after some weeks of distance and "let's see how we feel" Jane and I officially broke off our partnership. I travelled on to Seoul, South Korea as we had planned back in August, she went back to California. We vowed not to speak for a time. Friend Brian from Austin joined me in Seoul. I paid for three or four massages; some of them involved my penis. I covered some game conferences. I wrote some articles. I began to feel sick, and distant, distracted. I landed back in the United States with strange bumps on my head. For the first time in seven years, I visited a doctor. She diagnosed me with Shingles (a resurgence of chicken pox due to a depressed immune system). I spent the week around Halloween in my home with a needle in my arm, taking IV treatments for one hour, three times a day. I felt sick and strange and I looked that way. It was a "yo, dude." moment. I was tested for all STDs and other problems, and came out clean. I arranged, paid for, and drove Jane to a therapy appointment. November. I started an internship program for people who wanted to learn freelance travelling/writing. They help me with projects, I give them advice. My nine year old neice gave me a punk haircut, at my request. I bought a Treo 600 mobile phone thing and I was smitten. I resolved to stay home, recover from illness, practice aikido, and cook. I travelled to New York for two days of wall to wall parties and gatherings, and then to Chicago for Thanksgiving with family. December - I paid an astrologer to read my chart. I was about to turn 29, and that's my "saturn returns." He explained that I have to figure out how to meet my own needs. He said "Your career path is to develop your philosophy in public." I felt affirmed, but no more sure of what to do with myself. He said "Be comfortable with not knowing." Feeling lost, I talked with my mentor Howard, he exclaimed "you're a young man without a dream!" I started drawing cartoons and writing poems about mobile technology. Still trying to stay close to home, more aikido, I travelled to London for a week to visit my brother, and surprise my parents on their 15th wedding anniversary. I kissed a hot movie star and pranced around with drunk rich people in fancy clubs. I bought a broomstick to practice aikido in my brother's living room. I danced to arabic music. The day before my birthday, my sister Chris came over and helped me clean my house. She revealed the books behind my papers, and the floor beneath my clutter. I was ecstatic, and felt reborn. I spent my birthday filing my books and cleaning more. I ate sushi alone. I never got around to casting the I Ching for the year ahead. I went to my Aikido class, confessed it was my birthday, and 29 relative strangers in white robes sang happy birthday to me. I went to another pagan ceremony, for winter solstice. I visited family for Christmas, and started interviewing my mother about her life on my videocamera. I spent much time with a young baby, Clementine, and her parents Chris and Jen, and started thinking about my desire to have children. I signed up for every dating site on the web, so someone might find me to fool around with, while I was busy solving Deus Ex: Invisible War and drinking beer. A friend hooked me up with a married woman in a polyamorous relationship and we had a heated groping session after watching British comedy about butlers. I felt strange afterwards, especially when she cancelled some plans because her husband wanted her. I spent New Years Eve rolling around in the dark with strangers, sweaty in white robes. Aikido at midnight. My first kiss came from a sixth degree black belt, who said I had nice lips. Now 2004. I'm aiming for more study of Aikido. I'm contemplating a long trip to live in the Middle East (probably Egypt). I'm working my way out of debt, with help from an accountant. I'm giving myself time to become, or at least relax - not worry so much if I'm fulfilling my potential or doing the right work. Hoping to spend an hour a day reading books, less time reading weblogs. More time drawing pictures. Less time looking for sex online. Wondering how to celebrate the 10th anniversary of my personal web site, which I've been updating often enough that it helped me pull this recollection together. Thanks for your patience, sorry for the length. Justin Justin Hall http://www.links.net/ justin@bud.com